The Holiday Gift Guide for Anyone Who May Be Curled Up in the Fetal Position, Mumbling Softly

The holiday season is upon us, like a murderer slowly choking the life out of your body before wondering if it’s even worth stealing your wallet. The holidays are a time of coming together with family, but for many the suicide rate spikes during the holidays*, because the holidays are a time of coming together with family.  

Posted on by Greg Benevent
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This time of year, it’s always important to keep in mind those that are less fortunate than you, to keep them in your thoughts and prayers as well as giving them something, so that they understand just how less fortunate than you they are.  

Above: A Man Who’s Holiday Season Will Be Turned Around When You Donate That 5 GB USB Flash Drive You Got At That Potluck In July

You can still spread tidings of good cheer, just in 2014, I think you have to spread them a little bit thicker. Like butter on the first piece of toast you have on the morning you’re really going to go on a diet this time.  

Above: Peace, love and joy. Not Pictured: commitment.

This article serves as a guide to inexpensive gifts for those who are about to give up on life, or for those of you who already have, but still want to go through the motions of getting gifts for others once you’ve finished writing your weekly column. If you want a more positive, upbeat holiday gift guide, read… literally anything else.   

Best Gifts This Holiday Season: 

Alaiai Tracks headphones.

Retail at: $69.95.

Technical Specs: Stereo output. Make noise.

Maximum Noise Level: 70mW/just loud enough to block out the mess your life has become.

Recommended Use: running, jogging, running away from problems/responsibilities.

Additional Features: Built-in microphone. Hands-free calling. You never have to worry that your manifesto/last words go unheard.

Warranty: 3 years, and manufacturer asserts your manifesto/last words may go unheeded.

Customers Who Purchased This Also Viewed: a picture of a time when they were happy, then they slowly, sadly looked away, while fighting a single tear.  


Belts.Com Men’s Genuine Leather Dress Belt

Can attach to any strong tree, but best if put near the trunk. Multiple holes to fit any neck. This is guaranteed to be the last belt you’ll ever need.

Technical Specs: It’s a belt.

Return Policy: Will not be accepted by manufacturer after three days or if showing signs of use, but is that really going to be a problem?

Customers Who Viewed This Also Bought: Drugs. Fine stationary.

Be the envy of everyone else under the bridge with this luxurious home.  

This “Happy Camper” tent is ideal for camping, “camping,” and other outdoor events like, “living the rest of your life.” It proudly features roof and mesh vents. The arch-styled door makes for easy entry and exit.

Construction Time: (including making the blueprints, to laying the foundation, to closing escrow and moving in) six minutes.

Recommended Capacity: 2 people

Expected Capacity: 1 person + 1 person-sized amount of regret.

Number of restrooms: Unlimited. See: “roof and mesh vents.”

Wall material: Nylon

Floor material: Nylon

Ceiling material: Nylon

Protective Qualities: Yep

Today Is Going to be a Great Day Calendar

Beautiful words to inspire and art to keep. There’s plenty of space in the margins to write in more honest, relatable inspirations, like: “It’s Been ___ Since A Beloved Celebrity Has Been Found to Have Committed Heinous Crimes Over Many Decades” or: “Today, only ____ unarmed people were murdered by police officers” or even: “By Writing an Over-the-Top Negative Column About the Holidays, It Might Make Any Bad Thing That Happens in December/January Not Seem So Bad By Comparison.”

Customers Who Viewed This Also Bought: An erasable pen

With just a little gumption, and a lot of heart, this can be the best holiday season ever, (cutting out the ones that were actually good). Happy Holidays to everyone! May you have a genuinely happy season, and if you aren’t, may others think you are.

*Source: a line I believe I heard in a movie one time. I think it was “Gremlins.”

Greg Benevent is a writer/comedian in Los Angeles. He has never had egg nog. You can offer it to him @gregbenevent or on Facebook or not, because that stuff looks mind-bendingly disgusting. 

Tags: sarcasm , culture , cool


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