1) The Person Who Lifts Weights in Front of the Other Weights
Above: A Person Considerate Enough To Let You Stare At Them While They Block The Weights.
Last year, a series of studies about gym habits were done in a joint trial of popular men’s magazines “Men’s Fit Health,” “Body-Constructing,” and I “A Few Decent Workout Suggestions, Bad Dating Advice, Worse Diet Advice, and Mostly Naked Pictures of Whatever Actress Is On a TV Show/Movie That’s Big This Month Monthly.” They found a conclusion that would be shocking to anyone who isn’t at the gym often: you burn more calories and gain more muscle the closer you work out to where you pick the weights up. You really gain muscle mass if you stand in such a way so that no one can get past you to the weight rack. Your waistline is sure to get thinner if that person then is late for work. To get the most out of your workout, be sure to keep an angry glare on your face for anyone who should try to move past as you, as that will let anyone nearby know that you are not a steroid-boosted psychotic about to explode into a mega-rage.
2) The Person Who's Sure Going To Take Off At Least 30 Pounds Or Something By Being On the Bike For Half a Day
Cardio is a great way to lose weight. Be sure to stay on the cardio machine as long as possible.
The signs at the gym that say: “20 Minutes Max On Cardio Machines” are there for people who don’t want it enough. If someone suggests you’ve been on the treadmill too long/you lose feelings in your hands or head, that means you’re in “the zone.”
I began this workout during the Johnson administration. And I’ve kept the weight off!
If you ever do get off of the treadmill, be sure not to clean up any sweat that may be on the machine/everyone around you. Leave it there for less athletically-gifted people to be inspired by.
3) The Guy Who Makes a Phone Call While Working Out
As any trainer worth his supplements will tell you, the perfect background to a workout is a stranger speaking as loudly as possible. Nothing says “you mean a lot to me” like “I’m about to do a bench press.”
Anyone can be on the phone for an important business meeting, but a real man slides in an “ergggh,” “owwwww,” and “COME ONNNNN!”
Hopefully, your gym has many of these wonderful, fun-to-be around people. With a little bit of luck and hard work, you could be one, too. Should you meet anyone like this at your gym, be sure to show your appreciation in the most well-received way possible: by engaging them in a long, probing conversation in the locker room while nude.