Most Popular Men’s Costume:
“What Does ‘Empathy’ Mean?” Man
Hey amigo, this Mexican costume is great for telling people you have no sense of humor or empathy, without even having to open your mouth. This costume features a fringed poncho, long mustache, red trimmed sombrero, you supply the almost supernaturally punchable face. The pants create the illusion you’re riding the donkey, just in case you’ve actually made friends with a racist, the bestiality can still turn them away, (probably).
Fabric: 80% Nylon, 20% Spandex, 40% You’re Just Too Sensitive, Man, My Mexican Facebook Friend “LOL’d,” 60% I Was Never Really Hugged As a Child.
Questions Science Can’t Answer About What Went Wrong With the Donkey’s Front Legs: (Infinite)
Top Speed at Which People Will Flee From You at a Party: (15 mph)
Odds That The Person Wearing This Costume Ever Used the Phrase “Cock Diesel” Unironically: (110%).
Questions Science Can’t Answer About Why You Actually Paid An Honest-to-God $64.99 For This: (Double Infinite)
Vague Notions That Perhaps This Wasn’t the Wisest Decision, And I Should Think A Little Bit More About Other People, and Put Myself In Their Shoes to See How Others View Me. (Varies, but only between moments of braying “Who Wants Tequila Shots???” at strangers while covering them with spittle).
Most Popular Women's Costume:
“Deep Down, I’m Really Not Sure About The Direction My Life Is Going In” Girl
Show your love of the Minions from “Despicable Me” as well as everything else! This costume will make you the talk of the party, as well as the muttering.
Fabric: 80% Nylon, 20% Spandex, 55% Come On, This Looked Really Cute In the Store, 45% Sighing Wearily While Mumbling: “Haters Gonna Hate.”
One-Eyed Master’s Helper Head: (2)
Terrible Lines You’ll Hear From Guys At the Party About the “One-Eyed Master” (Endless)
Denim Romper From Innocent Movie for Children Specifically Meant To Show As Much of Your Boob As Possible: (1)
Daddy Issues (Misc. pieces)
Overwhelming cold when the temperature drops below 70 degrees: (1)
Overwhelming cold when you realize that maybe I should’ve been around people who like me for more than just the way I look, and I shouldn’t have let Ted get away, he wasn’t so bad, right? (1, and more as you get older).
Bleary-eyed November 1st Realization That Everything Can Be OK, I Can Get Attention Other Ways Than This, I’m Better Than This, I Have More to Offer Than Just a Body… Right Before Making 12 Instagram Selfies While Doing Yoga: (1, for every year you wear the costume).
Most Popular Costume For Couples:
“I Want to Approach My Partner About BDSM, But I Haven’t Quite Found the Right Way Yet”
Fabric: 75% Nylon, 25% Spandex, 56% I’ve Been Meaning To Talk To You For a While, 44% I’m Just Gonna Throw This Out There.
Happy Halloween, everyone! And remember, no one ever actually bit into a piece of candy and found razor blades. There’s always this year.
Greg Benevent lives in LA, writing and doing stand-up. You can find/harass him @gregbenevent and on Facebook.