Suck it, high-suicide-rate-at-Christmas! (chants “Seven Nation Army.”)
Once your team has lost, it’s OK to admit that they did have noticeable flaws, and they just weren’t good enough this year. You have to be an understanding, mature person, and blame this loss on the coach/player/college favorite player attended where that guy who beat you up in high school went to.
When you know people who root for the team that beat you, it can be difficult to be around them as they’re excited. Be the bigger person. Tell them that you understand, and if they were really your friend, they’d renounce their fandom/geographic region to make you feel better.
This goes doubly if it’s a romantic relationship, because those are supposed to be about communication.
Think of all the good, positive things that are going on in the world right now. Reflect on how little football means when everything worldwide is just going so well.
The five stages of grief:
“The Patriots hacked the game and used some trick plays on offense! We believe they used the Konami Code, and then played as Reptile in the first Mortal Kombat. “
↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A does not, it turns out, return starters to your secondary. Although, if a giant orange dot that shot lasers would be intimidating to throw into.*
Why didn’t the professional, multi-millionaire who’s been playing this game his entire life not do the thing I DISTINCTLY told him to do through my television, several thousand miles away?? Does he not trust me or something?
“The team will be more successful if I just buy some more stuff. Didn’t get enough this year, maybe next year will go better.”
It’s called a “Man Cave” because all the football stuff shows that you’re a man, in charge of your cave! Also: it’s a reference to your butt.
Sure, the other team won. But maybe one of their players will commit a violent crime! Imagine the moral superiority I could have all offseason! Who needs a Super Bowl ring when you can look down on strangers for their heroes being monsters?”
You don’t have to obsessively watch ESPN, NFL Network, Fox Sports Whatever for information about your team. You can go back to obsessively watching them due to poor life choices.
And we’re back at “Around the Horn With Monumentally Unlikeable People Arguing About Nonsense, Daily”. First topic: as we record this on Tuesday afternoon, who has the momentum in a game that won’t begin for another five days?
Remind yourself that it’s only a game. There are more important things in life, and you’ll be back feeling good again before you know it. Then check to see what players from the Korean League will be signed by Major League Baseball teams on the chance this helps your keeper fantasy league.
Greg Benevent never recovers from playoff losses. He is a writer and stand-up, centered in Los Angeles.
*Congratulations. You’ve unlocked a deep “Gradius” reference in a column about football.