9 Must-Have Features Every Evil Lair Needs

by C. Cole on October 17, 2012

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Who doesn’t want to be the proud owner or squatter of an evil lair? The idea of it fascinates me. From an early age, most of us built forts of our own from wood, or brush, or even pillows if the weather was unfavorable that day. The hours we spent doing it whisked us away to a fantasyland where we’d pretend we ran the show and that our Huffy was a sick motorcycle or Lamborghini. Recently, I got to thinking back on those days and it inspired me to draft a top ten list of things every evil liar (or hero’s headquarters if you don’t fancy being a heel) needs to flourish. Away we go.

A Singular Entrance Point
When you're an evil mastermind you need to have utter peace of mind to continue you quest for world domination. Too many windows or doors can compromise your ability to think without worry.

An Obstruction for Keeping Uninvited Guests Out
A moat, a mountainside, a fire breathing dragon, a troll, perpetual fire from a Gatling-gun, I don't care what it is but your liar needs a first line of defense. If some anal conquistador wants to infiltrate your compound to rape you in the middle of the night he better be prepared to be raped himself... by a hail of gunfire.

Trap Doors
"Come closer, I can't hear what you're saying" BOOM!!!! "Trap door, bitch!” Yes, you call other men bitches, you’re a lair owner now.

Trap doors are classic, Evil-doer pranks. But they're not always just for a hilarious gag; trap doors can be useful in a pinch. You may be the godfather of evil but sometimes a hero can manage to make his way into your lair at a time when you're at your most vulnerable (like, say, when you just get out of the shower and you're doing the flap dance in front of the mirror while belting out "Lets Hear it For the Boy" at the top of your lungs). What happens then? Simple, you back peddle just enough to get Johnny Do-gooder on the trap spot and you bump into the secret wall sconce sending Johnny into your Room of Death (more on that in a moment). Just think what would have happened if that trap door wasn't there. Your whole evil operation could have been put in jeopardy.

A Room of Death
Not only should this room result in near immediate death for any arch nemesis but clean up should be a breeze. I suggest a sprinkler system that shoots out bleach once the carnage is over. Also good to have a mechanical arm that will pick up the corpse and hurl it into an incinerator in one seemless motion. You're in a lair, you're already hellhound, no need to respect the corpse.

Secret Passageways Within

These are just good old fashioned fun. Yank a book, the wall spins; Pick up the phone, a fireman’s pole appears; Tug the light switch, get shot down a slide into your room of bean bag chairs (childhood fantasy). And aside from being a all-world HOOT, secret passageways are also a nice to have if your lair ever gets attacked by blind people. Real mind fuck.

A High-Tech Control Station

Cameras, infrared sensors, voice recording, motion detection, and something that logs the compound's Internet history -- when you're not scheming or breaking someone's legs, lairs can get lonely and as the king of evil, you can't have your guards tuggin' off to Brazzers on company time.

Various Unknown Ejection Points
Evil lairs don't have panic rooms. Panic rooms are for ass jockeys that aren't in the evil game for the long haul. "Yeah, let me go in this panic room so I can trap myself." Idiots.

You know what I said about one entrance point? Yeah, that's for guests. Owner of the lair needs no less the 35 secret ejection points all within 15ft of each other so he can flee to safety should his quarters become compromised.

One last thing, no one, other than you 2nd (and maybe 3rd) in command, should know of these covert exits. And that brings us to…

Minions
Every lair needs minions. Who else is going to hose down the death room or take a bullet for you long after you and Team Important People have fled? When I was a kid, my cousin Jeff was the expendable one. If our pillow fort was attacked, he knew it was his job to stay behind and die.

And finally…

A “DESTROY EVERYTHING” Button